George Dalton - Books About Cats

The Baby Kitten

     If your ex-friend ever tells you that his cat has just had kittens do not take your wife or children anywhere near that house for at least one year. It is quarantined. You would rather visit someone with leprosy. Modern medicine can do a lot with Leprosy, but baby there ain't nothing will help you if you take your wife and your daughter any where near a house that has just had a litter of kittens.
You talk about high pressure salesmen. Honey child you ain't seen nothing yet, until you meet a meek little housewife with a box full of kittens to get rid of. Boy are they sneaky. They never approach the Alpha Male of the family, no they get your wife and innocent little daughter and say, "OH JUST COMES A LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE SO CUTE". I don't care if your daughter is six years old or thirty years old and has three kids of her own, she will look at you with those big round eyes and say "Oh daddy can't we take just one?"
Your back bone is going to turn to the consistency of Jell-O. Big macho guy that you are you are going to say "well okay honey, just one." Oh, your life as you know it will never ever be the same again.
Your wife and your daughter are so excited about this cuddly little ball of fur. You no more than get in your favorite chair and turn on the big game of the year when your own daughter says, "Here daddy you want to hold her". You notice she didn't ask she said, "You want to hold her." Then she plops this little squiggly thing, in your lap. Timing is everything because just as she plops little miss squiggly in your lap the opposing team is on the one yard line with a first down. You are not thinking about a little squiggly cat at that moment. All at once you realize that you must have ruptured a major blood vessel in your thigh because you feel warm liquid cascading down your leg. At the exact same moment that a three hundred pound fullback is reaching his six foot long arm for the goal line. The brain cells slowly start to clock together and you react by throwing a cat up into the ceiling fan. The cat is screaming, you are yelling, your wife is yelling at you, your daughter is wailing, and the neighbor is on the phone calling 911. The cat lands on her feet, and then scampers under the sofa, hissing and calling you names.
     For the rest year every time you came within ten feet of the cat she archers her back and hisses at you, she remembers, cats never forgive. Guess what female cats do? Soon you have not one cat that hates you and hisses at you, you have nine cats who hate you. I swear the mama cat told the babies. Not one of your friends will come near your house, it's as if you have a great big quarantined sign in the front yard.
     You are up to the challenge, it's your chance to get even with the world because you now make a TV pitchman look like a beginner. A few months later when you now have a big box full of---you guessed it.You are telemarketing, calling up old classmates inviting them over and bring their kids. When they do, you've got 'em.